Week 4

My hands were shaking when I first saw it. I have taken so many tests this year, I never really expected it to be positive. I showed it to Isaac and then cried on his shoulder. He just held me close until I calmed down again. I keep looking at the test to make sure it really is positive.

How can I say how  I feel .... would you even understand? I'm scared and happy. I'm so sad because I'm sure I'll lose this baby too. I'm anxious. I wonder how many days I will have before I start bleeding. And then I find myself asking "Why?" I've asked God why so many times, but this time is different. "Why did you give me this child, Lord? Why, me? I don't deserve this! I've done nothing worth meriting this baby. Why did you give this gift?"

We attended church that day and I kept asking God why the whole time. Then I realized that God gave us His Son, HIS child ... and for no other reason than that He loved us. He gave us grace freely and not because we did anything right. This thought made me so thankful. I don't know why God does what He does ... but He is very loving and even if He takes this little one from us, He is still so good and He gave me His only Son ... and that He will never take away from me.