Emotions and Grace

Every time something big happens in my life ... getting married, moving or having a baby ... I find that I have to get to know myself all over again.

In the last two weeks I have found that I am very emotional (I'm sure it is all the hormones) and I worry about everything concerning the baby. I can't tell you how many times a day Isaac tells me not to worry. It is actually getting annoying now. :) But it is not annoying for the obvious reason that he says it often ... it is annoying because I know logically that I shouldn't worry, but I still do regardless of the logic. I often feel lost concerning mothering and when Isaac says not to worry, it makes it sound like he knows everything. I'm sure in reality he feels like it is his job to calm me and be in charge when his emotional wife worries about everything. :)

I also cry very easily. I cry when William cries. I cry when I'm frustrated. I cry when Isaac tells me not to worry. I cry when I'm happy too. This is all very new for me ... especially because I was very emotional-less during this pregnancy.

I have needed to remind myself many times a day ... "You don't need to have it all together. You don't need to be in control all the time. It is ok when you can't make your baby happy constantly. Remember when you heard Rachel and Jenny and Ashley extending grace to each other as mothers, Thursday morning after Thursday morning??? You need grace for yourself, your husband and your newborn son as well. Your birthing story doesn't need to be this romantic experience for women to admire. Nursing does not need to come easy for you to be a successful woman/mother. You don't need to be in love with your husband constantly to be a good wife."

This morning I really freaked out about Isaac going back to work. Every night I get very little sleep and every morning I need a break from William so I can refresh myself, get a nap, and remind myself that I love this little boy so so much. This morning as I was getting frustrated, Isaac spotted it immediately and took William for a walk so I could get a break. I took a bath and cried and realized that there was no way I could be home all day with a crying child without help. I went downstairs and opened my Bible for the first time since William was born and read some random chapters in Isaiah.

I wish I could quote some awesome verse and say that I was encouraged and recharged with a passion for God and how He would provide for me as a mother. But I didn't. I read about heaven and felt a longing for our heavenly home. It was beautiful, but not helpful for today. I don't know how God will provide for tomorrow and how I will handle Isaac being back at work. I guess my prayer is that God would keep me in this state of neediness and desiring to be home with Him. I'm sure tomorrow will include more tears and more grace...