Smiles!

 Yay! Our little man is smiling at us now. It is so adorable and I try to get him to smile every time he wakes up.

Ok ... so I look like a dork ... but I love this picture of us together ... making each other smile :)

The other day I was thinking about how needy William is and how needy I am with God. It seems like all of my prayers are asking for something ... "Lord, please let William sleep!" "Father, help Isaac have a good day at work." "Lord, help me get through today." I must sound just like William ... crying all the time and in a lot of ways, using God rather than having a real relationship with Him. If I was like this to my husband or girl friends, they would get so tired of me and probably end up avoiding me after a while.

So when William started smiling at me it made me think of how God wants me to enjoy Him as well. I'm sure God doesn't mind my requests ... I certainly don't mind William needing me to eat or help him go back to sleep .... but Gosh, when he smiles at me it makes all the sacrifices on my part worth while!

I hope all of Will's smiles remind me to worship and enjoy God. And I hope his smiles make you smile too. :)

5 years ago

Five years ago from today, I winked (an automated message) at a young sailor on an online dating site. He wrote back that same day and commented on my large family. I remember not liking his profile very much, but he was wearing a uniform and I thought that was sexy and his reply was perfect. He didn't flatter me, call me pretty or propose to me (messages I had already gotten from others that week). We talked online for about a week before I tried to find a way to make him call me. :) Gosh, and I remember that first phone call! He called me right when I was having my mom dye my hair red and all I said to him was ... "Do you mind if I call you back in an hour, my hair is purple." I didn't explain it to him or anything ... just said that and hung up. LOL! An hour later we talked and I can still recall the giddy and I-can't-stop-talking-this-fast-when-I'm-nervous feeling. He was very polite and I noted that he never cursed or spoke rudely. One month later he came to visit me. I wasn't attracted to him and apparently he hated my red hair. But we got along well enough and he asked to see me again. And the next time we saw each other he asked if he could keep seeing me and about 4 years ago he asked if he could see me for the rest of my life. :)

This picture was taken the first week that Isaac came to see me. 

I can't believe Isaac and I have known each other for five years now. So much has changed and I feel so much older than I did then. We met when I was still 20 and now I am almost 26, married for over 3 years and I have a one month old. Isaac has had a deployment, got married, transferred to another command,  is now over 30, has almost completed his bachelors degree, he became a dad, and is almost out of the Navy and moving on to a whole new job and way of living. That is a mouth full!

Now that we have a young one, my thoughts go back to dating before. It was so easy to have dates. By the time we got married dates became ... I dunno ... not quite as necessary. They were more of a chance for adding excitement to our lives then pursuing romance. Now that we have a baby, my thoughts turn to wanting to actually DATE my husband again. Paying a babysitter seems COMPLETELY worth it to have a couple hours to flirt with my husband and remember that we are still in love with each other. Heck, it doesn't even need to be about dinner. I would totally pay someone just to go to a coffee shop and sit across from Isaac, talking to him and NOT constantly bouncing a baby on the side.

Tonight, Isaac actually told me that he wants to hurry and get homework done so he can spend time with me.  Do you realize that he would never ever have said that to me before William??? We never had to carve out time for us before. Ah, it feels so nice to be pursued again. :) And to steal kisses whenever we can.

Well ... my time has run up. William needs to be nursed and hopefully, Isaac will be done writing soon and we can sit down together while William has his next nap.

One Month

My Dearest Son ...

As I write this, you are sleeping on my chest. You love this position to sleep. If you are fussy, this is the first place I put you to calm you down. You are such a good baby though. You almost never fuss for no reason. It would be such a stereotype to tell you that I can't believe how much you have grown in the last month, but it is true. You hold your head so much better now and sometimes you smile at me when I tell you how cute you are. I have noticed that you can follow objects in front of your eyes and you love looking at the Christmas lights in Mommy and Daddy's bedroom. You have even started to use your legs more and can brace them when I stand you up on my lap. I am so proud of you and it excites me to see you grow. I love looking into your eyes when you are awake. You are so cute, I just can't stop kissing you. 

I wish I could impart some wisdom to you, but I cannot think of anything to teach you. The other day I thought about how I will fail you ... I will fail you as a mother, that I am sure of. It made me so sad to think of it. But it just reminds me how much I need Jesus and how much you need Him. I cannot save you or make you turn out ok. And I cannot save myself or make myself not hurt you or fail you. I just hope you can grow to see Jesus as so much bigger than me and so much more wonderful  ... and His death and work on your behalf as more important than anything I can do or not do for you. It is my biggest prayer that God will give me courage, humility and a better understanding of grace so that I can always ask for your forgiveness ... and that you will always see my failings and run to Jesus with your own. Seek the Lord with all your heart ... He will forgive you and love you more than I could ever love you. And I do love you! I love you more than I ever thought possible.

Love, 

Mommy

I've been watching you ...

"I've been watching you, Dad, ain't that cool?

I'm your buckaroo. I want to be like you.

And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.

We like fixin' things and holding Momma's hand

Yeah, we're just alike, hey, ain't we, Dad?

I want to do everything you do;

So I've been watching you."

Time for Me???

Women's Bible Study just started today and even though I was so so so tired, I still wanted to go and be around friends and new acquaintances. Strangely, two women asked me the same question ... "So, are you doing anything for yourself these days?" I didn't know how to answer that. At first I couldn't think of anything ... and then on the way home I realized that I am eating for myself. I've lost so much weight that I figure I deserve to eat or drink what I want. I'm not proud of this but the questions these ladies asked me have made me wonder ... What should I be doing for myself? What does that look like? Is it selfish to have time for me?

Being a mommy right now is ALL-CONSUMING. I couldn't turn it off even if I wanted to. William needs so much from me. I miss being a wife, a lover, a friend ... and many other roles that I used to fill. I now understand what people talk about when they resent their baby. Finding time for Isaac and me is so hard that I resent William keeping me from feeling close to my husband. I also resent Isaac for needing me when he can take care of himself ... whereas William can't. 

I realize that this may sound very insensitive, but I wonder if it is easier for single moms because they know that everything they do is for their child and no one tries to keep them from being a mommy. I'm am very truly sorry if I hurt and insult those that are single parents. I'm am blessed to have a supportive husband that allows me to stay home with our baby. I guess I'm just struggling to know how to balance everything in my life. The only thing that is obvious to me is being a mom and caring for a crying baby. How to you turn off mommy mode and not feel guilty? How do you have a drink and not think about all the ways you need to stay sharp and prepared. And HOW THE HECK am I supposed to do something for myself? 

Don't get me wrong ... William is a very easy baby and Isaac is a very understanding and sensitive man. I'm very happy, most of the time. :) I love being a mom and I think about having more kids probably more than I should with a 4 week old in the house. 

But time for me??? What is that? I don't understand the question ... :)

Mommy and Baby

Well ... we don't have many pictures of William and me. I guess that means I take most of the pictures. :) But  this is what I found ... I may hire Val to remedy this. 

And Then There Were Three!!!

The following posts are pics that my awesome friend, Val, took about a week after William was born. She makes us all look so good. If anyone wants her info, I would be happy to set you up with her. Check out her blog: http://valwegs.blogspot.com

Gah! I can't help it!

This is what William looks like when he is in a good mood. Notice he isn't glaring at the camera like he usually does. :) I'm sorry if all the pics look alike. I really couldn't narrow down which ones were best.

He looks like he is amused by something.

"What's that, Mommy?"

"I think ... I think I just filled my diaper."

"Interesting..."

'Oh, my!!!"

Daddy and Son

Two days ago I left Isaac with William for about 2 hours. It was nice to go somewhere and not have to lug a diaper bag and heavy car seat. I wasn't worried at all about them. I know that my husband is great with William and serves him patiently and without complaining. Isaac has been working his butt off with work, school and church stuff ... then he comes home and gives me tons of breaks by taking William outside, changing his diaper or putting him to bed so I can get an extra 30 min of sleep. He is wonderful with his son and I love seeing them together. Here are a few more pics of the two of them. I kinda want to kiss them both. :)

  

My secret

Last night I woke up at 1am to William crying for milk. This is all pretty typical of course, but after I changed his diaper and picked him back up he lay against my chest in such a way that I couldn't put him down. He felt so cuddly all slumped in a ball against me. So I laid down with him still on me ... and all of a sudden he reached up and touched my face with his perfect hand. Ah, I melted at his touch and I can't stop thinking about it.

I love my face being touched. It all started back when I was a little girl. It was usually at church when I sat on my dad's lap. He would run his hand over my cheek or ear and I would fall asleep to his touch every time. I could never get enough of it. Isaac knows this secret and now he touches me on my face when he wants to love on me ... or to get me to stay still. He knows that if he runs his hand over my face I won't move a muscle so that it will keep going.

Oh, I will be in such trouble if William ever discovers my secret. He will come and touch my face whenever he wants something ... and I know I will give in to him every time if he does. :) Last night was one of the most perfect moments since William was born. I hope I always remember these times. I love him so much.

Don't you just want to kiss this adorable face???

Grampa's visit

While my sister was here I invited our Dad to come down and see both of his grandchildren. He hadn't seen Bella since she was 6 weeks old. He took me up on my offer and came down for one night. We had lots of fun watching him play with the babies. We also taught my dad how to play Settlers of Catan as well as Dominion AND Isaac got to give him a tour of the Navy base. Overall it was a great weekend, but I'm glad all our guests are gone now and William and I can try to find our own routine with Isaac back at work. Women's Bible Study starts up tomorrow and although I'm very nervous about having to nurse in public, I am very excited about being around women (many of whom have also just had their first child this summer) and getting some structure to studying the Bible. I do intend to do all the homework, but we will see how that goes. :)

Sleepy little boy and a cute teddy bear that Grampa gave him

Looking up at Grampa

Pacifier kisses

Both Bella and Will have the same type of pacifier :)

Big eyes!

Grampa and his two grandchildren

Big yawn!!

Bella and Grampa being silly with sunglasses