Louisa and Lauren

Where do I start? We found out we were pregnant August 21st. Its been a rough month and a half to say the least. Being pregnant was very stressful. Isaac and I were always conscious of the fact that we could lose the baby any day. We never took it for granted and we thanked God every day.




I started staining at 7 weeks. We knew to prepare for the worst. It was a very long week, but looking back now  I think it made it easier to be prepared. Unlike Michael, whose death surprised us very much. The ultrasound at 7 1/2 weeks confirmed that there were no heartbeats. I say heartbeats because there was were 2 babies. We were having identical twins. For 3 days we prayed for a miracle for these little ones, but 3 days later I went into labor and we knew it was done. That was almost 3 weeks ago....

I'm sorry to all of the people we ignored for the last 3 weeks. I hope you can understand that we just wanted to be alone for a while. But don't worry, we have been taken care of by some very close friends. We aren't a mess and I don't cry very often. This time feels very different to me than the last time did. I think I'll explain later. I just wanted to give you folks some details.

I also want to introduce you to our little darlings that we lost. Their names are Louisa and Lauren. We named them after both of our moms. Louisa after Isaac's Mom (Louise) and Lauren after my Mom (Lori-Ann). Both  of our moms are very godly women that we both admire and appreciate very much. We wanted to honor them both by naming our darlings after them.

I miss all of my babies very much ...

Week 6

Tomorrow I am 6 weeks. I can't believe I have made it this far. I feel like staying pregnant for 2 whole weeks is such a victory.

Today I am having a hard time though. Someone on facebook announced their pregnancy and her due date is the same week as mine. She sounds so excited and everyone is congratulating her. Even my sister is telling her all the wonderful and horrible things about being pregnant. My heart is breaking and I don't know why ... All I know is that I can never be that. I can never be like my sister. I can never be ... fully happy. I don't want people to congratulate me. I don't want my facebook to filled with talk about babies ... and how terrible it is to be throwing up every day. I can't wait to throw up. I can't wait to feel miserable. I'm 6 weeks along and I barely feel pregnant at all! It freaks me out so much. All I have is breast tenderness and heartburn. I'm not even tired yet! I take pregnancy test all the time to make sure I'm still pregnant ... and secretly hope that they are telling the truth because test still show up positive even after babies die.

I don't want to tell anyone about my pregnancy. I just want to keep it a secret for months. I don't expect anyone will understand. Why would a girl be so sad about being pregnant when that is all that she has wanted for over a year!?!?! I just want everyone to be supportive of me in this time ... not excited about a baby. After my miscarriage I feel like nobody should congratulate you until you are holding the baby in your arms. Before that takes place, nothing is certain.

I told my 3 best friends 3 days after we found out because I needed their support so much ... and their response was to cry with me. That was exactly what I needed. They have cared for me this whole year and enouraged me every long month that I wasn't pregnant ... and now they are crying with me and feel what I feel. I wish everyone could respond like that when I tell them. I know I will have to be patient with the folks that get so excited for me ... maybe I will appreciate it more when I am further along and have proof that my baby is living. For now ... I'm sorry to all of you that wanted me to tell you right away. I just need this to be Isaac's and my secret.

We call this baby, "Little Us." :) Yesterday, we looked up how far along it was and how much it will grow in the next few weeks. Isaac looked up videos online on fetal development. We were both so surprised at just how much happens right away. It was nice to marvel together on this little secret. It is as big as a sesame seed.

Grow little one! "God, please let us keep this baby! We  know that you still love us if you take it, but we love it  so much and would  like to see its beautiful face next year. Please let it stay safe!"

Week 5

I'm so anxious this week. Last November I lost my baby when I was 5 weeks. I have no idea what is going to happen this time. I don't feel sure about anything. Isaac says we should be glad that we can at least get pregnant. I don't know whether I should get attached to this baby ... or stay disconnected.

I bought a little stuffed animal ... a yellow giraffe. I realized that no matter what happens this time ... I want something to remember this baby by. I like to hold this giraffe to my belly and I kiss it as I walk by Isaac's desk where it sits.

Isaac has also started praying for our baby every night. I think last week we both felt sure we would lose the baby ... and it  didn't seem real that we could even have one. This week I think Isaac sees it as more real and prays that this baby would be safe. I'm thankful for Him right now. He is so kind to me. :) The other day he went to the pharmacy and bought me Tylenol for  my headache ... and also bought me prenatal vitamins, and some herbs for another issue I have AAAND he brought back more ideas on how to help settle my stomach. When I have a pregnancy sign he looks it up online and we figure out the best way to handle it. Also, he went way out of his way to make sure I have enough progesterone cream to last me for weeks.

We have decided not to tell anyone for a few weeks. We will probably wait until we hear the baby's heartbeat ... and maybe even longer than that. I think it will be a bit hard in the next few weeks because I will be seeing my family and some close friends. On the phone I can avoid the topic, but I think it feels different in person ... but I'm getting used to not telling people.

Week 4

My hands were shaking when I first saw it. I have taken so many tests this year, I never really expected it to be positive. I showed it to Isaac and then cried on his shoulder. He just held me close until I calmed down again. I keep looking at the test to make sure it really is positive.

How can I say how  I feel .... would you even understand? I'm scared and happy. I'm so sad because I'm sure I'll lose this baby too. I'm anxious. I wonder how many days I will have before I start bleeding. And then I find myself asking "Why?" I've asked God why so many times, but this time is different. "Why did you give me this child, Lord? Why, me? I don't deserve this! I've done nothing worth meriting this baby. Why did you give this gift?"

We attended church that day and I kept asking God why the whole time. Then I realized that God gave us His Son, HIS child ... and for no other reason than that He loved us. He gave us grace freely and not because we did anything right. This thought made me so thankful. I don't know why God does what He does ... but He is very loving and even if He takes this little one from us, He is still so good and He gave me His only Son ... and that He will never take away from me.