First Day of School!

I think this day deserves its own blog post. I've wanted to send William to preschool for a little while. I wanted him to be challenged and play with other kids. We still don't have many friends in NC and every day he asks to play with his "friends" (I think he just means any kids). He also loves new things ... new puzzles, new games, new concepts. I knew he would be great. Everything fell together really fast and yesterday we got the green light to bring him to school. He was so excited. We managed to take some quick photos before we left the house this morning.

Look at this cutie! I'm so proud of my son. ♥♥♥♥

He did so well. When I dropped him off, he was like ... See ya! I had to remind him to tell me goodbye. All he wanted to do was get in that room and play with the kids. And He immediately wanted to please his teachers. 

 When I picked him up, he was so excited to see me but did not act like he missed me at all. Happiness was written all over his face and as we drove away he spontaniously said, "I wa (love) you, mama," Ah, my heart!!!! This was his first time to tell me that he loved me on his own. My heart is full! ♥ My little boy was SO ready for school and he loved it and his heart was overflowing with joy. Any anxiety I may have had about putting him in school is gone. I'm so happy. I can't wait for the weekend to be over so he can go back.

This isn't about school, but I just wanted to comment on how fun this age is ... Every night I curl up on the bed with William and we talk about his day. We talk about the things he did, about what he loved, about his fears and we talk about the future. He TELLS me things! He wants to share his life with me. Can I hold on to this age? Everyone says 3's are really hard, but as long as IO give William choices and lead him with respect he responds so well and is a joy to be around. 

I love you, sweet boy! You are my heart's delight!

Tears of Joy

I am crying. I wish I could tell you all how moved I am right now. Last week, my heart was truly breaking. You can't imagine how hard it is to hear story after story or brokenness and loss. It is really hard.... I feel so much for you and I remember all of the feelings you spoke about. I felt them too ... and sometimes I still do.

But today ... you all blessed me over and over again. With your pictures and thank yous ... I am so moved. I'm so honored by your trust in me and in finding my work beautiful. I can't stop crying.

Who would have thought? 4 years ago when I lost my first baby ... in the midst and messiness of grieving ... I never thought that I could turn around and help others.

I'm sorry I can't stop crying. Just ... thank you ... I am so honored.

Prayer of Suffering, Wonder and Questions

Lord,

How do you bear it? How can you watch this much pain in the world? How can you feel every part of the brokenness? I know you don't run from it. But I feel buried in two days of broken stories. So many women have lost their children. So many. I feel like a drop in the bucket of pain and suffering. What do I say, Lord? What comfort can I give? How do I process it all? I believe that you are the source of comfort and hope. How do I access it? How can I be a light of hope to glorify you? Lord, won't you come quickly? Will you please be present in the lives I am encountering? Will you give me words ... yours words to speak? Will you use me? Use my nests? Will you please redeem this? Make it new ... all the children's lives ... all of the mothers who are crushed and deeply grieving. Will you make it undone? Take away death and let your life shine in your people?

How can you watch it? How do you not turn away? How can you feel this much and more?

A letter to my customers; A letter to my followers; A letter to grieving mothers.

I want to write a letter to you. I want to share myself a bit more with the world that I find myself surrounded in. Miscarriage and child/loss ... wow ... most of the time I don't know what to say.

You all write to me. You tell me your stories. You comment on my instagram posts. You buy my jewelry. I don't want to be seen as an authority in child/loss. My experience seems so small compared to most. My biggest aim was to give women a voice. To tell them that their children meant something and still does. I must make you feel safe, because you all write to me.

I remember a while ago ... over 3 years ... I lost my twins and I couldn't feel anything. I didn't cry much and I didn't laugh. You see I had already lost Michael and before that, Adam. I actually expected to miscarry again. It had been a long year of trying and I didn't want to be disappointed or hurt like I did with Michael. Well, that year I had met 3 women and we formed a bond that I can hardly describe. We are sisters and probably always will be. I bring them up because they carried me through my miscarriages. They felt everything that I couldn't feel for myself. They cursed, threw phones, cried and held me when I told them about the little girls that I lost. And during my son's successful pregnancy and birth, they felt every joy and happiness that I couldn't feel as well.

So ten months ago I started this journey with you all. I posted a giveaway and now I find myself writing about grief day in and day out, crying through story after story. I lose sleep over your pain. I feel it deeply. I hug my children more and I kiss them often because of you. I'm not always strong and I break down often.

But I look back over this year and I see that roles have been changed. I grieve for you all in ways I didn't necessarily grieve over my own losses. I cry for you and pray for you. I hope you get to hold a child one day and once I got to hear the good news that a women did give birth since I gave her a necklace. What joy! I am not just the hands that make beautiful things. I am not the black and white message that replied to your story. I carry you with me. I carry your grief and loss and hopefully take a little off of your shoulders so that you can see hope. It is a joy to serve you all. Thank you for reading.

Me and my good friends the day after my son was born. 

Hard Questions and Sleepless Nights

Oh, Lord, my heart is breaking. Every day I hear new stories of mothers who have lost their children. The hardest to hear are the ones that are lost outside of the womb. A woman wrote to me about her friend who lost a 17 month child to meningitis and a woman I follow on Instagram lost her only son at 14 months. He just never woke up one morning.

Lord, I admit, I am terrified to lose my living children. I go to bed every night and pray and pray that I can see my children the next morning. I fight the urge to sleep next to my little ones just so I can sleep hearing them breathe. Weekly, I cry thinking about how I would feel if I lost either of them.

Where is your hope and comfort? I don't want to fight death. I fought you so hard when I miscarried over and over again. I fight you all the time, but I want to be at peace. I want to sleep at night. I want to offer comfort to all of these women who come to me and share their broken stories. I'm hurting so much for the world ...

 ... and I am filled with guilt for my harshness to my son. I am so hard on him sometimes  most of the time. I try to apologize, but when I lay down to sleep, I wish I never was harsh in the first place. Why can't I love my children better? Why do children die? Why is your world so broken? Lord, please be present. Please return and defeat death once and for all. I am longing for you and for the hope only you can give. Please hear my prayer ...

... And please keep my children safe ...

My Birthday

Today, this moment ... this is my birthday. I'm in heaven. I haven't felt like this in what seems like years. What am I doing? I am listening to music .... I have headphones on. I couldn't hear my children even if they were screaming (yes, my husband is listening for them) and my music is blasting. Seriously, it is so loud! I feel like crying and laughing, praising God and harmonizing with every song.

I have truly forgotten just how much music means to me. Music moves my soul. Music changes my mood and gives me hope when I feel buried underneath suffering. And I feel more buried now then I have felt in years. Lets be honest, Motherhood is all about suffering.  Nothing of my life is untouched by my children. I love it ... most of the time. No, really, I LOVE it! But it took music blasting in my ear tonight to make me realize that I haven't done something so care free as shutting off my motherly instincts for an hour to blast music into my heart. I never drink too much so I can always answer baby cries and rush someone to the hospital. I never really leave my kids anywhere and go off without thinking about how long it will be before Anna needs me again. I never get lost in a book. Movies (even at night) are interrupted by getting up to tell William to get back in bed. William falls asleep about 30 minutes before I do. It never ends, the mothering. IT IS NEVER GOING TO END! I used to sleep through everything ... and now I wake up to every sound, imagined or not.

This reminds me ... about 3 weeks after I gave birth to William, a young woman at my church asked me what I am doing for myself. I looked at her with a completely blank expression. It took months before I felt like I could do anything just for me. And now? I'm not good at it. I don't have any friends at this time and so there is no one to pull me away for a girl's night, but in this moment, I know what it means to do something JUST for me. No one is touching me. No one is calling for me (well, maybe they are, but Isaac will handle it) and there is nothing to do but get lost in my thoughts. Maybe it is short lived, but it brings healing to my soul. Music must be God's way of whispering to me. My thoughts are always drawn to Him when I listen to music. He feels so close. And I know that He loves me.

Happy Birthday, to me. :)

New Camera!!!

Earlier this year we broke our Point and Shoot camera. I can't even remember when we used it last. I have been taking tons and TONS of photos on my iphone, transferring them to the computer and deleting them so I can take more. The iphone has been fabulous and a real life saver for my business. I take so many product photos and they need to be really good to catch the eye of my customers. So one of my business goals for this year was to buy a DSLR. I knew I was ready to learn how to change settings and manually make my pictures better. I also knew I needed something way faster than a point and shoot to get pictures of my kids. Anyway, September was a huge month for Rachelle-isms. I did two craft shows (one I signed up for 2 days before it started) and I received 2 wholesale orders, plus my normal online orders (which has been dramatically increasing). Altogether, I was able to save up enough to buy this Canon EOS Rebel T3. Apparently, it isn't going to be made anymore and I got a great deal for it. I don't know how to use it well and I am dying to talk to my photographer friends about teaching me stuff. Although, I have a feeling that I need to buy a macro lens right away. I cannot take any good pics of my jewelry yet and am still relying on my iphone for those great close ups.

Anyway, the lens I have is fabulous for pictures of my kids and in one week, I have already taken over 400 pictures of them. Here are some of my top favs. I'm so sorry to bombard you with family photos, but ... I LOVE my new camera!

My very first photo with the Canon (auto setting)

I love this one of William. I wouldn't know how to recreate it though.

Goofy Face

Life with a crawling baby. Everything goes in her mouth.

This photo was a complete accident .... And I LOVE it!!! 

She loved the swing set!

Too many pics yet?

Don't you love his smile?

Alright ... I'm all finished ... Just needed to catch you up on months of no blogging. :)