Hard Questions and Sleepless Nights

Oh, Lord, my heart is breaking. Every day I hear new stories of mothers who have lost their children. The hardest to hear are the ones that are lost outside of the womb. A woman wrote to me about her friend who lost a 17 month child to meningitis and a woman I follow on Instagram lost her only son at 14 months. He just never woke up one morning.

Lord, I admit, I am terrified to lose my living children. I go to bed every night and pray and pray that I can see my children the next morning. I fight the urge to sleep next to my little ones just so I can sleep hearing them breathe. Weekly, I cry thinking about how I would feel if I lost either of them.

Where is your hope and comfort? I don't want to fight death. I fought you so hard when I miscarried over and over again. I fight you all the time, but I want to be at peace. I want to sleep at night. I want to offer comfort to all of these women who come to me and share their broken stories. I'm hurting so much for the world ...

 ... and I am filled with guilt for my harshness to my son. I am so hard on him sometimes  most of the time. I try to apologize, but when I lay down to sleep, I wish I never was harsh in the first place. Why can't I love my children better? Why do children die? Why is your world so broken? Lord, please be present. Please return and defeat death once and for all. I am longing for you and for the hope only you can give. Please hear my prayer ...

... And please keep my children safe ...