My Birthday

Today, this moment ... this is my birthday. I'm in heaven. I haven't felt like this in what seems like years. What am I doing? I am listening to music .... I have headphones on. I couldn't hear my children even if they were screaming (yes, my husband is listening for them) and my music is blasting. Seriously, it is so loud! I feel like crying and laughing, praising God and harmonizing with every song.

I have truly forgotten just how much music means to me. Music moves my soul. Music changes my mood and gives me hope when I feel buried underneath suffering. And I feel more buried now then I have felt in years. Lets be honest, Motherhood is all about suffering.  Nothing of my life is untouched by my children. I love it ... most of the time. No, really, I LOVE it! But it took music blasting in my ear tonight to make me realize that I haven't done something so care free as shutting off my motherly instincts for an hour to blast music into my heart. I never drink too much so I can always answer baby cries and rush someone to the hospital. I never really leave my kids anywhere and go off without thinking about how long it will be before Anna needs me again. I never get lost in a book. Movies (even at night) are interrupted by getting up to tell William to get back in bed. William falls asleep about 30 minutes before I do. It never ends, the mothering. IT IS NEVER GOING TO END! I used to sleep through everything ... and now I wake up to every sound, imagined or not.

This reminds me ... about 3 weeks after I gave birth to William, a young woman at my church asked me what I am doing for myself. I looked at her with a completely blank expression. It took months before I felt like I could do anything just for me. And now? I'm not good at it. I don't have any friends at this time and so there is no one to pull me away for a girl's night, but in this moment, I know what it means to do something JUST for me. No one is touching me. No one is calling for me (well, maybe they are, but Isaac will handle it) and there is nothing to do but get lost in my thoughts. Maybe it is short lived, but it brings healing to my soul. Music must be God's way of whispering to me. My thoughts are always drawn to Him when I listen to music. He feels so close. And I know that He loves me.

Happy Birthday, to me. :)