Week 6

Tomorrow I am 6 weeks. I can't believe I have made it this far. I feel like staying pregnant for 2 whole weeks is such a victory.

Today I am having a hard time though. Someone on facebook announced their pregnancy and her due date is the same week as mine. She sounds so excited and everyone is congratulating her. Even my sister is telling her all the wonderful and horrible things about being pregnant. My heart is breaking and I don't know why ... All I know is that I can never be that. I can never be like my sister. I can never be ... fully happy. I don't want people to congratulate me. I don't want my facebook to filled with talk about babies ... and how terrible it is to be throwing up every day. I can't wait to throw up. I can't wait to feel miserable. I'm 6 weeks along and I barely feel pregnant at all! It freaks me out so much. All I have is breast tenderness and heartburn. I'm not even tired yet! I take pregnancy test all the time to make sure I'm still pregnant ... and secretly hope that they are telling the truth because test still show up positive even after babies die.

I don't want to tell anyone about my pregnancy. I just want to keep it a secret for months. I don't expect anyone will understand. Why would a girl be so sad about being pregnant when that is all that she has wanted for over a year!?!?! I just want everyone to be supportive of me in this time ... not excited about a baby. After my miscarriage I feel like nobody should congratulate you until you are holding the baby in your arms. Before that takes place, nothing is certain.

I told my 3 best friends 3 days after we found out because I needed their support so much ... and their response was to cry with me. That was exactly what I needed. They have cared for me this whole year and enouraged me every long month that I wasn't pregnant ... and now they are crying with me and feel what I feel. I wish everyone could respond like that when I tell them. I know I will have to be patient with the folks that get so excited for me ... maybe I will appreciate it more when I am further along and have proof that my baby is living. For now ... I'm sorry to all of you that wanted me to tell you right away. I just need this to be Isaac's and my secret.

We call this baby, "Little Us." :) Yesterday, we looked up how far along it was and how much it will grow in the next few weeks. Isaac looked up videos online on fetal development. We were both so surprised at just how much happens right away. It was nice to marvel together on this little secret. It is as big as a sesame seed.

Grow little one! "God, please let us keep this baby! We  know that you still love us if you take it, but we love it  so much and would  like to see its beautiful face next year. Please let it stay safe!"