Time for Me???

Women's Bible Study just started today and even though I was so so so tired, I still wanted to go and be around friends and new acquaintances. Strangely, two women asked me the same question ... "So, are you doing anything for yourself these days?" I didn't know how to answer that. At first I couldn't think of anything ... and then on the way home I realized that I am eating for myself. I've lost so much weight that I figure I deserve to eat or drink what I want. I'm not proud of this but the questions these ladies asked me have made me wonder ... What should I be doing for myself? What does that look like? Is it selfish to have time for me?

Being a mommy right now is ALL-CONSUMING. I couldn't turn it off even if I wanted to. William needs so much from me. I miss being a wife, a lover, a friend ... and many other roles that I used to fill. I now understand what people talk about when they resent their baby. Finding time for Isaac and me is so hard that I resent William keeping me from feeling close to my husband. I also resent Isaac for needing me when he can take care of himself ... whereas William can't. 

I realize that this may sound very insensitive, but I wonder if it is easier for single moms because they know that everything they do is for their child and no one tries to keep them from being a mommy. I'm am very truly sorry if I hurt and insult those that are single parents. I'm am blessed to have a supportive husband that allows me to stay home with our baby. I guess I'm just struggling to know how to balance everything in my life. The only thing that is obvious to me is being a mom and caring for a crying baby. How to you turn off mommy mode and not feel guilty? How do you have a drink and not think about all the ways you need to stay sharp and prepared. And HOW THE HECK am I supposed to do something for myself? 

Don't get me wrong ... William is a very easy baby and Isaac is a very understanding and sensitive man. I'm very happy, most of the time. :) I love being a mom and I think about having more kids probably more than I should with a 4 week old in the house. 

But time for me??? What is that? I don't understand the question ... :)