Shall we mourn as this world mourns? Or shall we rest in truth?

It hasn't gone away. I still remember. And I have to fight to believe that God is still good. I read something, hear a story, listen to a moving song and I'm back to those bloody days ... Watching my children disappear. Feeling like you will never heal again. Despairing of ever having a child in my arms. It doesn't take much, but somehow it still manages to surprise me when it comes back. I must be foolish to think I've healed. But now I have a list of truths to combat the doubts. Maybe the doubts will never go away. They haven't yet.

Last week I read about Jesus bringing a young girl back to life. I was supposed to write some homework about it, but I couldn't think of anything to say. Was I supposed to write that Jesus is so amazingly good? So kind and compassionate? So powerful to save? I drew a blank and tried to push away the anger that I felt rising up again. My biggest struggle is to blame God for taking my children away.

The day that William was born my friend came to see me. As soon as I saw her, she started crying and as she held my tiny son, she told me, "I needed this! I needed to know that God was still good." I have never forgotten that moment because I got so angry and resented it. I hated that life would be proof of God's goodness. I hate that Jesus heals a young girl and I'm supposed to say He is good because of it.

I have gotten glimpses of God's goodness. I have! It has been about 2 1/2 years of collecting those tiny revelations here and there. I have to hold onto them tightly. It is too easy to give into anger, fear and doubt. My most recent glimpse was when reading through the gospel of John. You can't really doubt who Jesus is when reading that book. It is amazing how that one month of studying grounded me in my faith again. It occurred to me that the deaths of my babies should have pointed me to Jesus redemption, knowing that Jesus will redeem everything ... even premature deaths. When I am faced with the grief, I need to cry out for Jesus to come quickly. It should make me long for His return.

My new favorite song is We Will Rise by Sovereign Grace. It pretty much sums up the truth that I am holding onto this month.

Shall we mourn as this world mourns

Or shall we rest in truth?
Though outwardly we waste away
Within we are renewed
The weight of glory far transcends
These momentary trials
Because He is risen
With Him we will rise
We will rise

Weeping may last for an evening
But rejoicing comes with the dawn

To all the wonders God will do
Imagination’s blind
What He has made, He’ll make anew
In the twinkling of an eye
For death itself will be destroyed
Swallowed up by life
Because He is risen
With Him we will rise
We will rise

God is good. I still doubt it, but I recognize the doubts now and start praying for God to show me His unchanging goodness. "What God has made, He'll make anew" "Death itself will be destroyed, swallowed up by life." God is good.