One Month

My Dearest Son ...

As I write this, you are sleeping on my chest. You love this position to sleep. If you are fussy, this is the first place I put you to calm you down. You are such a good baby though. You almost never fuss for no reason. It would be such a stereotype to tell you that I can't believe how much you have grown in the last month, but it is true. You hold your head so much better now and sometimes you smile at me when I tell you how cute you are. I have noticed that you can follow objects in front of your eyes and you love looking at the Christmas lights in Mommy and Daddy's bedroom. You have even started to use your legs more and can brace them when I stand you up on my lap. I am so proud of you and it excites me to see you grow. I love looking into your eyes when you are awake. You are so cute, I just can't stop kissing you. 

I wish I could impart some wisdom to you, but I cannot think of anything to teach you. The other day I thought about how I will fail you ... I will fail you as a mother, that I am sure of. It made me so sad to think of it. But it just reminds me how much I need Jesus and how much you need Him. I cannot save you or make you turn out ok. And I cannot save myself or make myself not hurt you or fail you. I just hope you can grow to see Jesus as so much bigger than me and so much more wonderful  ... and His death and work on your behalf as more important than anything I can do or not do for you. It is my biggest prayer that God will give me courage, humility and a better understanding of grace so that I can always ask for your forgiveness ... and that you will always see my failings and run to Jesus with your own. Seek the Lord with all your heart ... He will forgive you and love you more than I could ever love you. And I do love you! I love you more than I ever thought possible.

Love, 

Mommy

I've been watching you ...

"I've been watching you, Dad, ain't that cool?

I'm your buckaroo. I want to be like you.

And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.

We like fixin' things and holding Momma's hand

Yeah, we're just alike, hey, ain't we, Dad?

I want to do everything you do;

So I've been watching you."

Time for Me???

Women's Bible Study just started today and even though I was so so so tired, I still wanted to go and be around friends and new acquaintances. Strangely, two women asked me the same question ... "So, are you doing anything for yourself these days?" I didn't know how to answer that. At first I couldn't think of anything ... and then on the way home I realized that I am eating for myself. I've lost so much weight that I figure I deserve to eat or drink what I want. I'm not proud of this but the questions these ladies asked me have made me wonder ... What should I be doing for myself? What does that look like? Is it selfish to have time for me?

Being a mommy right now is ALL-CONSUMING. I couldn't turn it off even if I wanted to. William needs so much from me. I miss being a wife, a lover, a friend ... and many other roles that I used to fill. I now understand what people talk about when they resent their baby. Finding time for Isaac and me is so hard that I resent William keeping me from feeling close to my husband. I also resent Isaac for needing me when he can take care of himself ... whereas William can't. 

I realize that this may sound very insensitive, but I wonder if it is easier for single moms because they know that everything they do is for their child and no one tries to keep them from being a mommy. I'm am very truly sorry if I hurt and insult those that are single parents. I'm am blessed to have a supportive husband that allows me to stay home with our baby. I guess I'm just struggling to know how to balance everything in my life. The only thing that is obvious to me is being a mom and caring for a crying baby. How to you turn off mommy mode and not feel guilty? How do you have a drink and not think about all the ways you need to stay sharp and prepared. And HOW THE HECK am I supposed to do something for myself? 

Don't get me wrong ... William is a very easy baby and Isaac is a very understanding and sensitive man. I'm very happy, most of the time. :) I love being a mom and I think about having more kids probably more than I should with a 4 week old in the house. 

But time for me??? What is that? I don't understand the question ... :)

Mommy and Baby

Well ... we don't have many pictures of William and me. I guess that means I take most of the pictures. :) But  this is what I found ... I may hire Val to remedy this. 

And Then There Were Three!!!

The following posts are pics that my awesome friend, Val, took about a week after William was born. She makes us all look so good. If anyone wants her info, I would be happy to set you up with her. Check out her blog: http://valwegs.blogspot.com

Gah! I can't help it!

This is what William looks like when he is in a good mood. Notice he isn't glaring at the camera like he usually does. :) I'm sorry if all the pics look alike. I really couldn't narrow down which ones were best.

He looks like he is amused by something.

"What's that, Mommy?"

"I think ... I think I just filled my diaper."

"Interesting..."

'Oh, my!!!"

Daddy and Son

Two days ago I left Isaac with William for about 2 hours. It was nice to go somewhere and not have to lug a diaper bag and heavy car seat. I wasn't worried at all about them. I know that my husband is great with William and serves him patiently and without complaining. Isaac has been working his butt off with work, school and church stuff ... then he comes home and gives me tons of breaks by taking William outside, changing his diaper or putting him to bed so I can get an extra 30 min of sleep. He is wonderful with his son and I love seeing them together. Here are a few more pics of the two of them. I kinda want to kiss them both. :)