Shall we mourn as this world mourns? Or shall we rest in truth?

It hasn't gone away. I still remember. And I have to fight to believe that God is still good. I read something, hear a story, listen to a moving song and I'm back to those bloody days ... Watching my children disappear. Feeling like you will never heal again. Despairing of ever having a child in my arms. It doesn't take much, but somehow it still manages to surprise me when it comes back. I must be foolish to think I've healed. But now I have a list of truths to combat the doubts. Maybe the doubts will never go away. They haven't yet.

Last week I read about Jesus bringing a young girl back to life. I was supposed to write some homework about it, but I couldn't think of anything to say. Was I supposed to write that Jesus is so amazingly good? So kind and compassionate? So powerful to save? I drew a blank and tried to push away the anger that I felt rising up again. My biggest struggle is to blame God for taking my children away.

The day that William was born my friend came to see me. As soon as I saw her, she started crying and as she held my tiny son, she told me, "I needed this! I needed to know that God was still good." I have never forgotten that moment because I got so angry and resented it. I hated that life would be proof of God's goodness. I hate that Jesus heals a young girl and I'm supposed to say He is good because of it.

I have gotten glimpses of God's goodness. I have! It has been about 2 1/2 years of collecting those tiny revelations here and there. I have to hold onto them tightly. It is too easy to give into anger, fear and doubt. My most recent glimpse was when reading through the gospel of John. You can't really doubt who Jesus is when reading that book. It is amazing how that one month of studying grounded me in my faith again. It occurred to me that the deaths of my babies should have pointed me to Jesus redemption, knowing that Jesus will redeem everything ... even premature deaths. When I am faced with the grief, I need to cry out for Jesus to come quickly. It should make me long for His return.

My new favorite song is We Will Rise by Sovereign Grace. It pretty much sums up the truth that I am holding onto this month.

Shall we mourn as this world mourns

Or shall we rest in truth?
Though outwardly we waste away
Within we are renewed
The weight of glory far transcends
These momentary trials
Because He is risen
With Him we will rise
We will rise

Weeping may last for an evening
But rejoicing comes with the dawn

To all the wonders God will do
Imagination’s blind
What He has made, He’ll make anew
In the twinkling of an eye
For death itself will be destroyed
Swallowed up by life
Because He is risen
With Him we will rise
We will rise

God is good. I still doubt it, but I recognize the doubts now and start praying for God to show me His unchanging goodness. "What God has made, He'll make anew" "Death itself will be destroyed, swallowed up by life." God is good.

Random Pics of Will

 Look at that toothy grin!

Getting into trouble!

Look what I found???

William stands up in his crib!

 William's new favorite toy ... and Mommy's favorite toy because it means he doesn't try to stand up on me constantly. :)

This is my favorite pic!!! Look at that smile!!! :)

Beer Tasting?

No, he didn't really drink anything. Don't worry. :) He just loves things that we have instead of his own toys. We humor him sometimes. Here are a couple other special moments we caught. 

 

 

Rough Housing with Daddy

KISSES!!!!!!

 

No, No, No! Don't Touch! Be Careful! Watch Out!

I've decided to start training William this week on the word NO. He loves electronic cords of every kind. AND Isaac has cords sticking out of every outlet in our big house. I have escaped training William for 2 weeks because we were out of town and there were so many boxes everywhere, I conveniently placed them in front of every outlet. Well, this week I unpacked most of our boxes and now around every corner there is an outlet full of cords calling to William. I thought about continuing to put things in front of the outlets, but it occurred to me that William is always going to be around cords, just like Daddy is always going to be putting cords everywhere. So he might as well learn now not to touch them.

Oh, but Will makes me laugh. This morning he went around the whole living room trying to touch each outlet. We went through the whole process of training each time before he moved on and tried another outlet. It was hilarious. :) This poor kid is going to be just like his daddy ... into electronics at an early age and able to dissect all things electronic by the time he is an adult.



William has also been getting hurt like crazy since he started crawling. I lost count of how many times I picked him up, just yesterday, crying from yet another fall. He also likes to bang things, so when he gets a hold of something slightly heavier, he inevitably bangs it on his legs or hand and the crying and comforting starts all over again. Oh, and he tries to pull up on everything!!! Last night he pulled up on a small chair and made it crash down on top of him. I think he might get a blue eye from that one. How are we even going to make it to his 1st birthday at this rate????? He might not even make it! Gosh, and I go back and forth from feeling like a bad mommy by not staying by his side constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) to avoid these owies and borderline melting down and crying with him because I feel so bad for him. Yeah, I guess I laugh at the falls too. He really falls so darn often!! What can I do?

He needs to learn some really hard lessons about gravity, gentleness and the word, NO.

9 Months Old

My Dear Son,

I love this age with you! You are mobile and I don't need to carry you constantly anymore. You can go get your own toy or paci. You stand up on everything and I really appreciate that you learned quickly how to get back down again. Every time I see you almost fall, but end up figuring it out in time, I make sure to praise you. It is a relief to see you be smart and safe even as you are taking huge chances. You are so fun to interact with also. You started repeating sounds to me and you play peek-a-boo with a blanket over your head. :) I think you may have even started clapping your hands ... although you do so by grabbing your own hands and moving them up and down excitedly. You will get it soon enough. :) Everyone around loves you and tells me that you are such a cute baby. They love your quick smile. You also give me hugs and kisses and they are so precious to me.

Having said that ... I also don't really like this age. You are into EVERYTHING and you think that I all the things I tell you not to touch are the most desired. I feel like I have brought out the sinner in you by telling you "No, don't touch." The bible says we wouldn't know we were sinners if the law didn't tell us we were. Laws make us want to disobey. And that is really sad. You are very hard to control. You don't believe in boundaries and you don't trust me when I tell you not to touch something. I don't like being so mean and telling you "no" but I have to. One day you will be in danger and you will need to respond right away to me calling you or telling you no.

On the other hand, I am afraid that if I just give you rules all the time that you will grow up trying to be a rule keeper. And that is dangerous too for your heart. Mommy is like this and I am afraid of making you be like me. Our hearts need Jesus and His grace and sacrifice for us. Only Jesus can make us good, not our rules and obedience. I hope that I can communicate this to you as you grow up. You must learn to obey, but your struggle with obedience should always make you need Jesus more.

I am praying for you and I love you very much my willful son!

Your Mommy

Mommy Guilt

I need your advice ...

Last week I was in the grocery store. William had been trying to get my pen and paper the whole time I was grocery shopping and I was finally tired of taking it from him or keeping it out of his reach. So I retracted the pen and let him play with it. Well, he is a baby and being such he put the pen in his mouth. But as we were just finishing up our shopping a man saw William eating the pen and freaked out, pointing it to me as if it were a great danger. In his defense, if I noticed a baby doing this same thing and the mom didn't notice I would probably point it out too. However, after I told him that I was aware of it and that the pen was retracted so he couldn't eat any ink, the man didn't give up. He kept talking about it and went so far as to offer to buy him a teething toy for me.

The fact that I am writing about this incident is proof that this accusation that I am not taking care of my child is still bothering me. It is really bothering me! Was I wrong to give William the pen? If it was a marble of course I wouldn't let him have it because he could swallow it faster than I could take it out of his mouth. But the fact is, William couldn't swallow a pen. He might stick it too far in his mouth and make him gag on it, but then he would learn to not do that again. I was watching him and could take it away anytime if I thought he could hurt himself. The truth is that William doesn't like toys so I give him keys (another thing he could gag on), old phones, remotes, papers (until they become too soggy and he could actually swallow them), combs and anything else I think might entertain him and allow him to explore the world. There are too many actual dangerous things that make semi-dangerous things seem fine for him to figure out.

I read in a parenting book that it is wrong for mommys and daddys to try to please people around them when they are parenting. You should do what is best no matter what others think. But is there something to being more cautious in public? What if that man called social services? He was really concerned that William had that pen!

What would you do? And why?