Friends!

Some of my absolute most best friends came to visit us for a few days ... AND all of their 7 kids, making it 8 with William. It was a blast! I would say the hardest part was the not getting very much sleep, but we have no one to blame but ourselves. The best time for the adults to talk was after 9pm when everyone was finally asleep. Isaac was gone most of the time, working 12 hours days again. And William did surprisingly well! I knew the loud noises would get to him, so whenever possible I pulled him away from the big kids and let him play next to tiny little Nora (she is so much smaller than William even though she is 2 weeks older!) We have so many pictures of them playing and eating together. It was like they knew that each other was their own age and they played so well!

Here are some pics of the kids in the spray-ground that we went to and to the children's museum. 

All the kids eating dinner

Ashley making yummy pizza

Group photo at the Children's Museum!

 Playing doctors and dentists

Cute little maggie! I loved how she wanted me to hold her whenever possible!

 Charlotte and Owen changing diapers

Henry and Abby in their elements! Love Abby's foot!

10 Months Old

My Darling Growing Boy,

You are a joy to watch and play with! Your daddy and I look forward to you waking up so we can see your smile again! In the last few weeks you have figured out that Daddy is different from Mommy and you get so excited when you see your papa. I love it, because it means you aren't clinging to me too much, but I also love watching your relationship with your dad grow. You climb all over him and pull his goatee. Sometimes when you get really excited you start crawling really fast in a circle around us. It is hilarious to watch! :) You are so steady on your feet now that you have begun to let go of things and sometimes you throw your body to reach from one thing to another. We can't wait to see you taking your first steps, but it will probably be in a few month from now. Your favorite thing in the world is to open and close doors and drawers. It entertains you for a long time. Sometimes you sit and read books for a while too, but that doesn't happen every day.

You know ... it is time to grow up now and be a big boy. You are going to be a big brother soon. We don't know if it is a girl or boy yet, but we do know that you will need to learn to be very helpful and careful with "your baby." Already we are teaching you to be gentle with Mommy's belly and face. Your daddy and I are working really hard to teach you some words. It would be great if you could learn to communicate better with us before the baby comes. We know you understand us, but you need to say it for yourself so we can understand and help you better. Right now you say "nana nana" whenever you want anything.

I think you will be a great older brother. You are very affectionate and you watch everything around you. You aren't very loud and aren't too demanding most of the time. My greatest hope is that you will love having another little person to play with and that being "Mommy's Little Helper" comes naturally to you. I love you so much! You are my special boy. Happy Ten Month Birthday! I love watching you grow up. :)

Your loving Mommy

 William loves looking and being outside.

All worn out!

Just kidding

Climbing the saw horses while daddy is working on a project

Help!

Shall we mourn as this world mourns? Or shall we rest in truth?

It hasn't gone away. I still remember. And I have to fight to believe that God is still good. I read something, hear a story, listen to a moving song and I'm back to those bloody days ... Watching my children disappear. Feeling like you will never heal again. Despairing of ever having a child in my arms. It doesn't take much, but somehow it still manages to surprise me when it comes back. I must be foolish to think I've healed. But now I have a list of truths to combat the doubts. Maybe the doubts will never go away. They haven't yet.

Last week I read about Jesus bringing a young girl back to life. I was supposed to write some homework about it, but I couldn't think of anything to say. Was I supposed to write that Jesus is so amazingly good? So kind and compassionate? So powerful to save? I drew a blank and tried to push away the anger that I felt rising up again. My biggest struggle is to blame God for taking my children away.

The day that William was born my friend came to see me. As soon as I saw her, she started crying and as she held my tiny son, she told me, "I needed this! I needed to know that God was still good." I have never forgotten that moment because I got so angry and resented it. I hated that life would be proof of God's goodness. I hate that Jesus heals a young girl and I'm supposed to say He is good because of it.

I have gotten glimpses of God's goodness. I have! It has been about 2 1/2 years of collecting those tiny revelations here and there. I have to hold onto them tightly. It is too easy to give into anger, fear and doubt. My most recent glimpse was when reading through the gospel of John. You can't really doubt who Jesus is when reading that book. It is amazing how that one month of studying grounded me in my faith again. It occurred to me that the deaths of my babies should have pointed me to Jesus redemption, knowing that Jesus will redeem everything ... even premature deaths. When I am faced with the grief, I need to cry out for Jesus to come quickly. It should make me long for His return.

My new favorite song is We Will Rise by Sovereign Grace. It pretty much sums up the truth that I am holding onto this month.

Shall we mourn as this world mourns

Or shall we rest in truth?
Though outwardly we waste away
Within we are renewed
The weight of glory far transcends
These momentary trials
Because He is risen
With Him we will rise
We will rise

Weeping may last for an evening
But rejoicing comes with the dawn

To all the wonders God will do
Imagination’s blind
What He has made, He’ll make anew
In the twinkling of an eye
For death itself will be destroyed
Swallowed up by life
Because He is risen
With Him we will rise
We will rise

God is good. I still doubt it, but I recognize the doubts now and start praying for God to show me His unchanging goodness. "What God has made, He'll make anew" "Death itself will be destroyed, swallowed up by life." God is good.

Random Pics of Will

 Look at that toothy grin!

Getting into trouble!

Look what I found???

William stands up in his crib!

 William's new favorite toy ... and Mommy's favorite toy because it means he doesn't try to stand up on me constantly. :)

This is my favorite pic!!! Look at that smile!!! :)

Beer Tasting?

No, he didn't really drink anything. Don't worry. :) He just loves things that we have instead of his own toys. We humor him sometimes. Here are a couple other special moments we caught.