A letter to my customers; A letter to my followers; A letter to grieving mothers.

I want to write a letter to you. I want to share myself a bit more with the world that I find myself surrounded in. Miscarriage and child/loss ... wow ... most of the time I don't know what to say.

You all write to me. You tell me your stories. You comment on my instagram posts. You buy my jewelry. I don't want to be seen as an authority in child/loss. My experience seems so small compared to most. My biggest aim was to give women a voice. To tell them that their children meant something and still does. I must make you feel safe, because you all write to me.

I remember a while ago ... over 3 years ... I lost my twins and I couldn't feel anything. I didn't cry much and I didn't laugh. You see I had already lost Michael and before that, Adam. I actually expected to miscarry again. It had been a long year of trying and I didn't want to be disappointed or hurt like I did with Michael. Well, that year I had met 3 women and we formed a bond that I can hardly describe. We are sisters and probably always will be. I bring them up because they carried me through my miscarriages. They felt everything that I couldn't feel for myself. They cursed, threw phones, cried and held me when I told them about the little girls that I lost. And during my son's successful pregnancy and birth, they felt every joy and happiness that I couldn't feel as well.

So ten months ago I started this journey with you all. I posted a giveaway and now I find myself writing about grief day in and day out, crying through story after story. I lose sleep over your pain. I feel it deeply. I hug my children more and I kiss them often because of you. I'm not always strong and I break down often.

But I look back over this year and I see that roles have been changed. I grieve for you all in ways I didn't necessarily grieve over my own losses. I cry for you and pray for you. I hope you get to hold a child one day and once I got to hear the good news that a women did give birth since I gave her a necklace. What joy! I am not just the hands that make beautiful things. I am not the black and white message that replied to your story. I carry you with me. I carry your grief and loss and hopefully take a little off of your shoulders so that you can see hope. It is a joy to serve you all. Thank you for reading.

Me and my good friends the day after my son was born. 

Hard Questions and Sleepless Nights

Oh, Lord, my heart is breaking. Every day I hear new stories of mothers who have lost their children. The hardest to hear are the ones that are lost outside of the womb. A woman wrote to me about her friend who lost a 17 month child to meningitis and a woman I follow on Instagram lost her only son at 14 months. He just never woke up one morning.

Lord, I admit, I am terrified to lose my living children. I go to bed every night and pray and pray that I can see my children the next morning. I fight the urge to sleep next to my little ones just so I can sleep hearing them breathe. Weekly, I cry thinking about how I would feel if I lost either of them.

Where is your hope and comfort? I don't want to fight death. I fought you so hard when I miscarried over and over again. I fight you all the time, but I want to be at peace. I want to sleep at night. I want to offer comfort to all of these women who come to me and share their broken stories. I'm hurting so much for the world ...

 ... and I am filled with guilt for my harshness to my son. I am so hard on him sometimes  most of the time. I try to apologize, but when I lay down to sleep, I wish I never was harsh in the first place. Why can't I love my children better? Why do children die? Why is your world so broken? Lord, please be present. Please return and defeat death once and for all. I am longing for you and for the hope only you can give. Please hear my prayer ...

... And please keep my children safe ...

My Birthday

Today, this moment ... this is my birthday. I'm in heaven. I haven't felt like this in what seems like years. What am I doing? I am listening to music .... I have headphones on. I couldn't hear my children even if they were screaming (yes, my husband is listening for them) and my music is blasting. Seriously, it is so loud! I feel like crying and laughing, praising God and harmonizing with every song.

I have truly forgotten just how much music means to me. Music moves my soul. Music changes my mood and gives me hope when I feel buried underneath suffering. And I feel more buried now then I have felt in years. Lets be honest, Motherhood is all about suffering.  Nothing of my life is untouched by my children. I love it ... most of the time. No, really, I LOVE it! But it took music blasting in my ear tonight to make me realize that I haven't done something so care free as shutting off my motherly instincts for an hour to blast music into my heart. I never drink too much so I can always answer baby cries and rush someone to the hospital. I never really leave my kids anywhere and go off without thinking about how long it will be before Anna needs me again. I never get lost in a book. Movies (even at night) are interrupted by getting up to tell William to get back in bed. William falls asleep about 30 minutes before I do. It never ends, the mothering. IT IS NEVER GOING TO END! I used to sleep through everything ... and now I wake up to every sound, imagined or not.

This reminds me ... about 3 weeks after I gave birth to William, a young woman at my church asked me what I am doing for myself. I looked at her with a completely blank expression. It took months before I felt like I could do anything just for me. And now? I'm not good at it. I don't have any friends at this time and so there is no one to pull me away for a girl's night, but in this moment, I know what it means to do something JUST for me. No one is touching me. No one is calling for me (well, maybe they are, but Isaac will handle it) and there is nothing to do but get lost in my thoughts. Maybe it is short lived, but it brings healing to my soul. Music must be God's way of whispering to me. My thoughts are always drawn to Him when I listen to music. He feels so close. And I know that He loves me.

Happy Birthday, to me. :)

New Camera!!!

Earlier this year we broke our Point and Shoot camera. I can't even remember when we used it last. I have been taking tons and TONS of photos on my iphone, transferring them to the computer and deleting them so I can take more. The iphone has been fabulous and a real life saver for my business. I take so many product photos and they need to be really good to catch the eye of my customers. So one of my business goals for this year was to buy a DSLR. I knew I was ready to learn how to change settings and manually make my pictures better. I also knew I needed something way faster than a point and shoot to get pictures of my kids. Anyway, September was a huge month for Rachelle-isms. I did two craft shows (one I signed up for 2 days before it started) and I received 2 wholesale orders, plus my normal online orders (which has been dramatically increasing). Altogether, I was able to save up enough to buy this Canon EOS Rebel T3. Apparently, it isn't going to be made anymore and I got a great deal for it. I don't know how to use it well and I am dying to talk to my photographer friends about teaching me stuff. Although, I have a feeling that I need to buy a macro lens right away. I cannot take any good pics of my jewelry yet and am still relying on my iphone for those great close ups.

Anyway, the lens I have is fabulous for pictures of my kids and in one week, I have already taken over 400 pictures of them. Here are some of my top favs. I'm so sorry to bombard you with family photos, but ... I LOVE my new camera!

My very first photo with the Canon (auto setting)

I love this one of William. I wouldn't know how to recreate it though.

Goofy Face

Life with a crawling baby. Everything goes in her mouth.

This photo was a complete accident .... And I LOVE it!!! 

She loved the swing set!

Too many pics yet?

Don't you love his smile?

Alright ... I'm all finished ... Just needed to catch you up on months of no blogging. :)

Anna's 7 Month Post

Happy 7 Months Old, Anna!

I figure I need to write this down quick before I forget. You are almost mobile! You roll EVERYWHERE! I've caught under things, on top of things ... and just now saw you go from laying down to sitting up. You also just started to get up on hands and knees and start rocking. I love it! You will be crawling soon enough. Maybe next month! I keep wondering when your top teeth are going to come through. I've seen them trying to pop through for what seems like weeks. I can even see the white through your gums, but they haven't cut yet. Oh, well. I expect there will be one tear filled night soon and then it will be over. :) What a big girl. Daddy keeps telling you to slow down. You love to copy us ... you have already said "Dada" but of course you don't know what you are saying. Your brother pays more and more attention to you each month. I think he finds that you are growing more interesting ... although it comes with him screaming at you for taking his toys.

I am so proud of you. But I wonder what you will think of me when you are an adult. I struggle so much with my own mother (your memere) ... will you and I be like this in 20+ years? Will there be redemption in our story? I hope so. Sins are passed down from generation to generation, but is graced also passed down? Even now as I write this is a major conflict in America. Yet another young, unarmed black man has been killed by a police officer. This story is old. Our country has long since treated black men and women with contempt. Yes, we don't have slavery. And yes, we don't have segregation, but our troubles and sins are far from over. We carry on the same fear, the same prejudice, the same avoidance. Generation after generation continues to hurt a major people group in our nation. Ah ... but I regress. I will tell you about all that one day. It will be part of your upbringing and schooling. But I do wonder if each generation can find more redemption than the previous generation. Lord, place yourself firmly in our midst. Allow difficult change and repentance grow in my little family. We need you so much! Please be in little Anna's heart and help her to see her need of you even as she sees just how much her momma is full of sin and needs you to.

I love you darling girl!
Your Momma

You can't tell them apart can you???

You can't tell them apart can you? I'll give you a hint ... Anna is wearing pink socks and William is wearing blue socks. You are welcome!

 Oh, and William is the wiggly one. He could NOT stay still for these photos! 

Bribing Anna with cheerios worked, but not for William. Silly boy. 

Anna is 4 months old .... 5 months old .... 6 months old???

Dear Anna,

I feel like I JUST wrote to you last week! Where did last month go? Sure enough you are growing again. I had to pull your bouncy seat down from the attic because you don't like laying down anymore. You want to sit up and see the whole world. I love watching you play with toys because you actually can reach out and grab things and pull them to your mouth. You only get the toys about half the time, but I'm rooting for you! You probably don't notice too much, but William has taken an interest in you for the first time in your short life. He asks about you ALL the time. When he wakes up in the morning, he won't let me leave the room without getting you too. And when we leave to go out, he always tries to grab your carseat and bring you. I think he fears I might leave you at home one day. Isn't he such a nice big brother? He also started touching you and feeling your head. Sorry about him poking you in the eye. I'm trying to help him learn to be gentle. I can't wait til you can both play with each other.

4 months old (above) ..................................... 5 months old (below)

Dear Anna,

You are now 6 months old, little girl, and I haven't even written about you being 5 months old. Daddy says you need to slow down. You are now begging for solid food every day and are gobbling it up in seconds. You just said "dada" several times this morning with my prompting. AND you are super close to sitting on your own. You can sit for whole minutes at a time, but still fall over eventually. You are truly a delight to everyone around you. You smile so easily and I love your little laugh.

 6 month photos