13 weeks - Ode to My Husband

No, nothing new has happened this week. I just wanted to talk about my husband.

Isaac keeps wanting to take pictures of my belly. He tells me, "Don't hold it in", "Your belly looks so cute" ... and the new one today, "You are never going to be 13 weeks ever again with this baby." He has an app on his phone that tracks the baby's growth and it allows you to take pictures each week to remember. Sometimes I wonder if he just wants to take pics of me so he can use his phone more. :)

In the last month or so, Isaac has come alive to me. It was as if he never knew what to do with the miscarriages or grieving .... but now he knows exactly how to be a dad and supportive husband. He hasn't complained once about how  tired I am all the time and how the housework never seems to get done fully. He lets a lot of things go, and then right when I need, it he gets up and does my work for me (usually in the form of washing dishes). He does all of this joyfully and then comes to me, kisses me and tells me how pretty I am.

It makes me cry to think of how long and lonely this last year has been. I never blamed Isaac for not getting attached to the babies that died so young. I knew I would love them in a way he couldn't. But now .... it makes me cry to see just how perfect this feels... to have Isaac right beside me through this pregnancy, to see what fruit our baby is each week, to decide if we want to use cloth diapers or disposable, to read parenting books out loud to each other...

I love watching my husband. I love how he thinks about our baby just as much as I do (ok, maybe half as much as I do, but that is still saying a lot). I love seeing his face when he is dying to tell someone that we are pregnant ... or how he is racking his brain to think of something else to say when we are trying not to tell folks that we are pregnant. I love how he has come up with several ideas of  how to tell people on facebook. I love how he even PUT a baby app on his phone so he could keep up to date with the pregnancy without me filling him in. I think I probably ask him more questions about each week than he does to me. :) I love how he thinks I am still beautiful when I feel like I am just fat. And you should see the pride on his face when we are listening to or watching our little one with the doppler or ultrasounds.

My husband is going to be such a good daddy. He has such a servant heart. I can't believe how much I have seen him transform in the last month. My heart is filled with so much joy right now! I love you, Isaac.

Baby Pics

6 Weeks - It is barely a spot on the picture. The neatest thing is that at this young age the whole body was pulsing with the heart beat. 

8 Weeks - The head is on the right side of the picture and there is still a tail nub on the left side. The Ultrasound Tech called it a Gummy-Bear because the arms and legs are also just nubs. :)

11 Weeks - It almost looks like a real baby! They gave us another picture showing what we thought to determine the gender, but we are not going to post that one. :)

Isn't it so cool comparing the pictures at such a young age? I wish we could keep getting them, but the next one will be at 16 weeks and the last one at 20 weeks. YAY!

12 Weeks - Baby Bump

Isaac and I were looking online at our baby's progress and it grew one whole inch in the last week! It practically doubled it's size! No wonder I have been so tired ... and no wonder my stomach looks like I'm not holding it in. I have now pulled out all of my loose shirts and am about ready to pack away all the tight shirts that show off my waist.

My friend walked into our house for dinner one night and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Look at your cute baby belly!" .... Ummm ... thanks! Now I feel great. Everyone else must be noticing that I'm looking fatter too.

I feel like working out constantly so that I don't feel so fat and bloated, but the more active I am, the more miserable I feel. If I rest and relax more I feel great. I guess I'll never win. Isaac keeps telling me I look great, but I don't believe him. I think he is just trying to be supportive. Although, he was adorable yesterday! :) He was leaving the house, he kissed me good bye and said, "I love you both." :) Ah, how my heart melts to hear him talk about our baby and grow attached to it.

Well, that's all for now. It is time for another nap. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through all of the Super Bowl tonight ....

8 Weeks - Due August 18th

This is the first time I feel like talking about this. We are pregnant again. We found out about 4 weeks ago on the 11th of December. Last week we heard the baby's heartbeat and they confirmed that my due date is August 18th. I was very excited at first. Now I just feel ... in stasis. I guess I figure we have the next 7 1/2 months to get excited again.

It is so encouraging to see Isaac's growing excitement. The first two weeks he didn't really acknowledge the baby. But when we saw the baby's heartbeat, he ate it up and he said, "I want to see our baby again!" Tonight Isaac and I watched a documentary called The Business of Being Born. I think it made us both emotional to see those babies born. It was good and healthy for us to see the end of all this pain and suffering. It is good to know that there will be a baby at the end.

After we heard the heartbeat of our little one, Isaac started praying for it grow strong and healthy. I really need that from him. I kinda feel alone right now. I worry every day that I don't feel pregnant and it has been a long week of not feeling pregnant. Most of my close friends have a lot going on in their lives and I feel like I would be burdening them too much to tell them when I am worried. There will be so many ups and downs to this pregnancy. Who would ever want to ride that roller coaster with me? Most days I don't even tell Isaac how I am worried. I know he can tell anyway without me talking about it. He reads my body language like a book. :)

In conclusion? Here we go again ... Lord, please protect this baby. Please let it grow and let us be able to hold it one day. Isaac and I both want to be parents so much. I see in Isaac how much he wants a child. Give us strength to make it through this year and especially this next month. Thank you for this gift.

Louisa and Lauren

Where do I start? We found out we were pregnant August 21st. Its been a rough month and a half to say the least. Being pregnant was very stressful. Isaac and I were always conscious of the fact that we could lose the baby any day. We never took it for granted and we thanked God every day.




I started staining at 7 weeks. We knew to prepare for the worst. It was a very long week, but looking back now  I think it made it easier to be prepared. Unlike Michael, whose death surprised us very much. The ultrasound at 7 1/2 weeks confirmed that there were no heartbeats. I say heartbeats because there was were 2 babies. We were having identical twins. For 3 days we prayed for a miracle for these little ones, but 3 days later I went into labor and we knew it was done. That was almost 3 weeks ago....

I'm sorry to all of the people we ignored for the last 3 weeks. I hope you can understand that we just wanted to be alone for a while. But don't worry, we have been taken care of by some very close friends. We aren't a mess and I don't cry very often. This time feels very different to me than the last time did. I think I'll explain later. I just wanted to give you folks some details.

I also want to introduce you to our little darlings that we lost. Their names are Louisa and Lauren. We named them after both of our moms. Louisa after Isaac's Mom (Louise) and Lauren after my Mom (Lori-Ann). Both  of our moms are very godly women that we both admire and appreciate very much. We wanted to honor them both by naming our darlings after them.

I miss all of my babies very much ...

Week 6

Tomorrow I am 6 weeks. I can't believe I have made it this far. I feel like staying pregnant for 2 whole weeks is such a victory.

Today I am having a hard time though. Someone on facebook announced their pregnancy and her due date is the same week as mine. She sounds so excited and everyone is congratulating her. Even my sister is telling her all the wonderful and horrible things about being pregnant. My heart is breaking and I don't know why ... All I know is that I can never be that. I can never be like my sister. I can never be ... fully happy. I don't want people to congratulate me. I don't want my facebook to filled with talk about babies ... and how terrible it is to be throwing up every day. I can't wait to throw up. I can't wait to feel miserable. I'm 6 weeks along and I barely feel pregnant at all! It freaks me out so much. All I have is breast tenderness and heartburn. I'm not even tired yet! I take pregnancy test all the time to make sure I'm still pregnant ... and secretly hope that they are telling the truth because test still show up positive even after babies die.

I don't want to tell anyone about my pregnancy. I just want to keep it a secret for months. I don't expect anyone will understand. Why would a girl be so sad about being pregnant when that is all that she has wanted for over a year!?!?! I just want everyone to be supportive of me in this time ... not excited about a baby. After my miscarriage I feel like nobody should congratulate you until you are holding the baby in your arms. Before that takes place, nothing is certain.

I told my 3 best friends 3 days after we found out because I needed their support so much ... and their response was to cry with me. That was exactly what I needed. They have cared for me this whole year and enouraged me every long month that I wasn't pregnant ... and now they are crying with me and feel what I feel. I wish everyone could respond like that when I tell them. I know I will have to be patient with the folks that get so excited for me ... maybe I will appreciate it more when I am further along and have proof that my baby is living. For now ... I'm sorry to all of you that wanted me to tell you right away. I just need this to be Isaac's and my secret.

We call this baby, "Little Us." :) Yesterday, we looked up how far along it was and how much it will grow in the next few weeks. Isaac looked up videos online on fetal development. We were both so surprised at just how much happens right away. It was nice to marvel together on this little secret. It is as big as a sesame seed.

Grow little one! "God, please let us keep this baby! We  know that you still love us if you take it, but we love it  so much and would  like to see its beautiful face next year. Please let it stay safe!"

Week 5

I'm so anxious this week. Last November I lost my baby when I was 5 weeks. I have no idea what is going to happen this time. I don't feel sure about anything. Isaac says we should be glad that we can at least get pregnant. I don't know whether I should get attached to this baby ... or stay disconnected.

I bought a little stuffed animal ... a yellow giraffe. I realized that no matter what happens this time ... I want something to remember this baby by. I like to hold this giraffe to my belly and I kiss it as I walk by Isaac's desk where it sits.

Isaac has also started praying for our baby every night. I think last week we both felt sure we would lose the baby ... and it  didn't seem real that we could even have one. This week I think Isaac sees it as more real and prays that this baby would be safe. I'm thankful for Him right now. He is so kind to me. :) The other day he went to the pharmacy and bought me Tylenol for  my headache ... and also bought me prenatal vitamins, and some herbs for another issue I have AAAND he brought back more ideas on how to help settle my stomach. When I have a pregnancy sign he looks it up online and we figure out the best way to handle it. Also, he went way out of his way to make sure I have enough progesterone cream to last me for weeks.

We have decided not to tell anyone for a few weeks. We will probably wait until we hear the baby's heartbeat ... and maybe even longer than that. I think it will be a bit hard in the next few weeks because I will be seeing my family and some close friends. On the phone I can avoid the topic, but I think it feels different in person ... but I'm getting used to not telling people.